the best i can do

do you hear that?? it's the sound of an empty house!! i haven't heard that in.....well, over a month for sure. with it so quiet, all i can think to do is nap. i have reached a level of exhaustion that is intense. not physically, just all out drained. i am unfortunately & fortunately bailing on the kona trip at the end of the week. as much as i want to get out of puna for a little bit, i also need some relax time as well!! i took off these 5 weeks to do just that & due to external circumstances it just hasn't been the case!

my injury induced insomnia has resulted in obscene photo-nerdiness on flickr. thanks to the great graces of mr. mmmmikey tokarz extraordinaire i have a new (to me) camera. i just need to get a memory card & i'm all set!!!

i am bogged down by the thoughts of going back to the east coast for these weddings this summer. i'm not sure how i'm going to pull it off & if i can afford to be gone from hawaii/work for so long.....i guess this summer may be a lesson in how little i can live on. sounds exciting yeah? i will also miss the island & my family here if i don't come back for 3 months. but then i could have an amazing mainland adventure!! i've thought semi-seriously about going to georgia for the month of august, hang out with jen, see something of georgia that isn't an army base....

ok i tried to make this update compelling & witty & i think i failed. but there it is.

experiments with blood & photo editing tools....

pilgrimage to the coast

today my inner boxer is in fighting stance
there's an army in my shoulder blades
a nameless ghost in my gut
i have a handful of feathers
& an endless stream of tears

i walk the jungle in the final hours of morning
i feel the earth on my feet
& the wind whispers ancient stories
i am under her spell
as they are under mine

i surrender to the ocean
but never humans
not even myself

we speak to each other in riddles
after the sun is asleep
we exchange madness like children who've eaten too much candy
or gotten too little sleep
we search for meaning in unanswerable questions

lazy day

this blog is dedicated to my teddy bear, jason lentz!

it was mostly a lazy day, i think the most "activity" i did today was pick up oliver at work & took us to get breakfast at the natch (the local natural foods store "island naturals") i picked up me & rachel some soft flakey croissants & bought some tea. the rest of the day was filled with napping, npr, photo editing, counseling (me counseling) & giving a reiki treatment....but more on that in a bit

last night i attended my friends johnny & tara's anniversary party. well it was also johnny's birthday yesterday. today is their actual anniversary. anywho, this island seems to destroy relationships often, as far as i can tell. very few couples i've seen here have made it look "good". in short, tara & johnny make it look good. & i have come to love them lots & feel blessed to be able to celebrate their second year of marriage together with them!!! according to them it was more a party for us, their friends, who support them through their marriage!
here are some shots from the party:
(yes, i may have done an irish car-bomb for the first time in my life)


the reiki treatment i gave tonight was intense. at one point i remember looking down at my hands & at once knowing that they were my hands & having that familiarity & simotaneously seeing that they were also foreign objects. like flowers. strange. beautiful.
i gave my first full treatment on our massage table in the "waterfall" room. i'm always amazed at how powerful human touch is. i guess that's all i can really say about it right now....


my friend jason lentz told me the cutest story tonight, which is how he became my teddy bear. actually i guess he's always been my teddy bear, i just didn't realize it until i heard the story!

it goes like this: This professor had an open door policy with one condition

Anyone could come and ask him a question at any time when he was in his office, but first they had to ask the question to the teddy bear which sat outside his office

he had this rule because he found that 9 times out of 10 the student would figure out the answer to their question simply by asking it aloud.

so the teddy bear took all of those questions

and if the teddy bear failed to answer it for the student, then they could ask the prof.

is that not the cutest thing EVER??!!! :D i love it!!! i also played teddy bear today!!

pop goes the faerie

my home is full of laughing fits & snuggling. it's a sunny day in puna & i am full of mate & love. not necessarily in that order! sleep, unfortunately, isn't coming any easier these days...but i have another massage with hope this evening. usually the nights after her bodywork are the best.

i think mate is maybe the best form of caffeine i have ever had. well, it doesn't replace chai, but it comes close. mate chai however IS the best caffeine i have ever had. maybe i just love drinking mate so much because my dear friend heron has imparted his mate magic on me! yes, that's right folks......along with the magical gord & straw i have the heron mate potion recipe! under his tutelage i now can make the mayan chocolate mate!!!! MMMM. & every time i drink it i smile thinking of heron.

despite it being a beautiful sunday morning, i'm not feeling particularly social. edance has already begun & i am still sitting on my bed contemplating my next move. which may not be a dance move....i guess i figure when cecily comes for her excursion there will be lots of puna sundaying going down! right now i'm trying to decide how much human interaction i really desire!!!

yesterday i went to look at a farm that rachel may move onto. it was phenomenal! there were horses & bunnies & chickens & ducks & dogs & cats & fish!!!! we spent a few hours there, which again robbed me of my midday nap, but it was worth it! i myself am trying my hardest to budget wisely as i am not working for a number of weeks.
my work situation becomes more & more interesting! i love it, love the kids, love the farm. & it looks like i have a lot of flexibility with my schedule as to avoid burnout!!

ok looks like i'm gonna give being social a try! more later!

almost a tourist

what a wonderful little mini-vacation to kona. that spikey tree silouhetted against that beautiful blue sky is called keawe (pronounced: key-av-A) & as far as i can tell what most medeival torture devices were modeled after. if you've ever stepped on one, you know what i mean. if you haven't, don't rush out & do it, just take my word for it! it was great to get out of puna, get out of clouds & the rain, even if we were just returning again the next day!!! we stayed in this ADORABLE little a-frame cabin at hapuna beach state park & had the BEST view of the sun setting over the ocean from our cabin!! it was warm & sunny & we got to soak in the sun for a little bit before heading over to hawi for kava & sushi. when we came back to our little cabin we stayed up giggling & exchanging secrets like teenagers having a slumber party!!! i think it was a good little escape for both of us!

people are funny, delicate, complicated creatures huh? i myself often feel too sensitive to interact with the rest of the world. i am reminded how unpredictable & unexplainable the rest of the race is as well. that i hurt in relation to others seeming insensitivity & oblivion & also have the power to hurt or disappoint others by not living up to their desires.

it's quarter to 8pm here & it feels like midnight to me! i didn't get a good nap in today & i have come to rely on midday naps to replenish me with actual rest. since the accident i haven't slept through a whole night, my body hurts more & muscles in my neck spaz out more at night apparently, thus making it really difficult to get comfortable & sleep. i have another appointment on the 25th at the clinic & a massage scheduled with hope the wonderful on sunday for a massage!

more to come!!

curiouser & curiouser

 "how do you know i'm mad?" said alice. "you must be," said the cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."-alice & wonderland.

& so there it is.  that sort of sums it up.  it hasn't stopped raining/being cloudy in about 5 days.  the sound of the rain pounding down has become background noise to the point that when it does stop (which typically hasn't been for more than a moment) its absence is bizarre.  

i've been feeling restless.....need for adventure & excitement & stimulation seems to be at odds with my new found domesticity!!!  i don't want to have to give up excitement & adventure for comfort & familiarity.  & i realize i don't have to, i just have to find that balance where i'm honoring both those desires.  so i think rachel & i are going to go for a couple of days over to kona-side.  hobnob with the tourists, get out of the rain, go play on a beach that isn't filled with everyone we know.  i love my family, i love my community, but i long to get lost among a crowd of faces i've never seen.  it would be foolish to pretend my restless nature doesn't exist, to just ignore or try to repress it.  i was basically chomping at the bit to go to the movies with a few of my coworkers last night, just for something different.  then when i came home & oliver & i lid into familiarity & comfort it didn't make me want to smother him with the blankets he hogged on my bed!!!  "the rabbit started violently, dropped the white kid-glvoes & the fan, & scurried away into the darkness as hard as he could go." (i feel like that often & yet i'm not giving into that urge completely!!) 

a very close friend of mine has "rat lung worm disease"  which is like spinal meningitis.  it was at once inspiring & frightening!!!  she's had it really bad & is getting A LOT better all the time with some pretty radical treatments.  she was fairly incoherent for a while with little understanding of herself or her surroundings etc.  basically reverted back to being a small child.  she's btter now which is SO inspiring, but it's one of those "realize your own mortality" moments.  (like i needed another!!), as that there are people in comas from this same disease that may not make it out.  all this from stepping on a slug.  or eating some kale fresh from your garden.  see the slugs carry it, not the rats.  it's a strange name, i know.  

life is good.  i am grateful!  

we also have rachel's cat, edison, staying with us on the art farm :)   the 3 rottweilers are less than THRILLED about that currently, but i think it's gonna be alright!  i personally am loving having some feline energy around here!!  

domesticated caffeine fiend

 

i'm starting to settle in.  into my body, into life.  i'm less sore, still pretty stiff & super day dreamy.  it's been really rainy & i'm using the excuse to not get out of my pajamas, wrap myself in blankets, drink lots of warm beverages (like the chai in the picture above, which is officially part of my "chai love for tiffany" series) & doing strangely domestic things, like cooking breakfast, cleaning, & baking cookies.  strange indeed!!  i'm also balancing between being really productive (backing up some files on my external hard drive!!) & being creative (doing little artsy things, like editing photos & collaging) 

i'm oddly optimistic about this time off, i think it will do wonders for my soul (though probably terrible things to my wallet....)

tiffany & i had a conversation about dealing with people on a human level.  the importance of the balance between feeling your own awesomeness & self worth & also humbling yourself with all your quirks & idiosyncrasies & know that we're ALL humans just kinda stumbling our way through life.  because none of us were given the manual: how not to fuck things up really bad while interacting with other humans.....(by the way don't even THINK about stealing that title, tiffany & i are figuring out now how to write said manual!!!) 

anywho it's a hard balance.....i've been thinking about this concerning my job.  everyone was all up in a tizzy about me getting paid for my time off since it was a work related injury.  & yeah, i mean, who wants me to get paid for that more than ME?  but then everyone was saying "you could SUE them!!!!" & let's face it, that's not a realistic threat coming from me!!!  i'm not suing anyone.  i did stick up for myself & told them they needed to give me money for that shift....but what it comes down to is we're all humans just trying to figure out the least difficult way for us to get through a difficult situation.  & it all worked out.  i suppose it helps that all the people involved are relatively reasonable people.  

i'm off to continue on my weird creatively productive day!

a spider's realm

wow well, i'm alive. & this picture is sort of how i feel today. i'm not sure what i'm going for in this first post. i've been hiding for most of the day. i find myself with a lot of time on my hands, time to heal & take pictures, time to catch up on some npr news & finger paint. oh & the new joys of video chatting with friends on the east coast (& west coast for that matter, though i didn't video chat with anyone on the west coast today)

i seem to have misplaced my instruction manual entitled: what to do after you are involved in an accident where a van full of teenagers whose well-being you're responsible for flips. & the aftermath of a mild concusion & whiplash.

i bet it's in one of those bins i have yet to unpack since moving in the loft!!

i'm not complaining. i'm breathing through it all with more gratitude than i can even express. what a strange existence this is.

i've been feeling a bit in-between & restless. i'm going to try to transfer some of that energy into something creative!!! more to come i'm sure!