the bees come at night...

maybe they know i've been bathing in honey. or maybe they have come to remind me, like my father earlier today, that time passes far faster than we can really grasp. can they sense, FEEL, the shifts raging inside me & have come to buzz their symphony to lull me to sleep.

they gather round my altar light, buzzing their secrets in a foreign language.

i believe they already know all of my secrets, i admit that may be why they've come. their time is waning & i am to bear witness to their last song & transform it into my own breath, honor my own desires.

& when his words hit me like a bunch to the gut, another reality shifts in me. somehow i have come to care what he thinks, & my fragile uncertain being is wounded. & i revisit this weeks earlier epiphany: i want to break open their guarded green hearts & finger paint them with my messy blue passion. & i remember patience. i need not reek havok. i need not break in. i am reminded to walk slowly, softly, intentionally.

i hear her voice telling me to take my restless body, my racing mind & my aching heart & submerge it all in the bathtub. let the water wash me clean, leave it there, watch it go down the drain with a calm mind & a clear heart & a realxed body. i miss her voice. i long to hear her tell me stories. the stories of her life, of my life, of our intertwined paths & separate journeys. the stories that filled me & shaped me as a child. & then as a woman. floating through my ears as i filled out my body. words that gave me hope & perspective & took me on adventures & tucked me in at night. i crave her voice & wonder when i will hear the stories i feel i've been cheated.

& again i remember patience. i remind myself i am a story-teller now.

i fall asleep to the lullabies of bees, i dream of her voice giving me advice about bright-eyed men & sad-eyed women......i wake up & my own words fill the air with their own fierce grace.

delayed processing...but i'm still tightening down on the lagtime...

i take the elevator to the top floor, after a questionable sideways glance from the doorman.

yeah i know it's late. in fact, you have no idea how late.

"i guess he was expecting you" he says with said sideways glance.

i think: he expects a lot, but has no idea who i am.

i reach the 22nd floor & walk into this glass palace overlooking the charles. overlooking a city that was my home for so long.

i've never felt so displaced. the city itself like an ex-lover i'm trying to be "just friends" with. & then here he is. such a familiar stranger.

here i am on the 22nd floor of a past life like a faded photograph taken from a perspective that isn't actually mine. like when i hold the camera over my head to get an angle my mere 5'2" height won't allow.

& i think, so this is what it looks like from up there huh?

as far from paradise & fourth as you can possibly get. it reminds me of fancy hotels i've stayed in, or that time my dad took me up the top of the pru because i always wondered what it was like "up there"

so this is what it's like "up there" huh?

& everything else becomes a blur of familiarity & confusion & words. his proclamations of passion & love & desire & intimacy.

the words lodged in my throat after scrambling frantically around in my head, still desperate for an out. a fire escape. or a little sign that say "in case of emergency exit here"......what would it feel like to free fall 22 floors. what would it feel like on my naked shivering body, all 5 foot 2 of it.

he wants to know what i'm thinking. how i've felt about it all. i mumble something about unfulfilled potential. about disappointment & indecision.

it's not until later i want to scrunch up my features up & scold him like a child.

oh you misunderstood, my invitation for depth wasn't dependent on your romantic availability. oops, i've been operating under the assumption that others make the distinction between intimacy & romance. how foolish of me.

my life feels like it's all up in the air. location, profession, romance.....but i deep cleaned my loft today & feel a little more grounded in this reality.

doing yoga & listening to npr. yeah i'm a dork. life is good. i had a lot of fun, laughed a lot at work. i feel blessed to be able to laugh & learn & grow so much in so many aspects of my life. i'm not an easy girl. i'm a bit high maintainance but not in the ways that usually indicates.....

my expectations are high. for myself & for life. not materialistically. emotionally, spiritually.....interpersonally. i expect depth in connections. i don't take them at face value, though i can appreciate the simplicity of life. i desire intrigue & mystery & challenge. i expect challenge i suppose.....i expect to be challenged. i suppose that's why i live on a volcanic island. & work with teenagers on a farm where i'm FULL IN IT for 8 days at a time. & why i live in a small house in an open loft with two other really beautiful & strong personalities. & why i go back when something doesn't feel finished.

& why i pull out the magnifying glass & unravel the loose threads when interacting with people. not to judge, just to discover. i rarely have attachment to whats underneath, but i want to peek inside.

you put my feet back on the ground...did you know you brought me home?

home. am i ?

sunday morning. i'm cross-legged before the altar. the bass from zoe's warm-up set is pulsing through root chakra & up my spine. there is an angel drawing reiki symbols on my own wings with his fingers. he leans in after covering my neck & check with kisses & in that voice i know so well, that voice that has mirrored truths & comforted me many times, i hear: "welcome home"

home. this concept is phenomenal to me. home. i am writing this from zoe's house. the place i currently call home. which i share with her & oliver & the two rotties. home. the other day oliver came upstairs, said nothing, sat down on my bed & read while i wrote in my journal. a little while later he got up, said: "thanks for sharing your space" & left.

home. family.

& i'm contemplating going back to boston, though i just got back on the island. though i have all this beauty around me all the time.
my life is here on the island. i have a "home", i have family & community, i have my job & my routines.
& in boston i have......well a home-the only house i've ever thought of as "home" in brighton. i have family some blood, some not, but all of whom have known me for years, know me inside & out, love me & support me.

gypsy. it's what my boss calls me. he tells me he can see the gypsy blood in me. someone who can make a home where ever she goes i suppose. my first real boyfriend called me gypsy too. i guess this will come in handy if i do indeed spend the upcoming year going between hawaii & boston..from home to home. family to family. there are far worse things......

...

desire.
today i desire: chocolate, my journal, children's stories, romance, laughter, moss beneath my feet, activity, art, inspiration, sincerity, intimacy, comfort, to be held.....

10 things that prove that things are beautiful in my world:

1. random phone calls from good old friends
2. collaging
3. sparkles
4. music
5. writing all my thoughts down in my journal
6. women's writing circle planning
7. orchids
8. zoe & oliver
9. dramatic words like: AMAZING. INTENSE. INCREDIBLE. PHENOMENAL.
10. remembering to breathe & be grateful.

crushed velvet

if i could make my heart out of any material, what would it be? (& this is why i love him....)
it got me thinking......
hmmmm
all these thoughts ran through my head of what my heart HOLDS
{rose petals, moss, children's laughter, shattered mirrors, post cards, lullabies, hot chocolate & raspberries...}
or what i FEEL my heart is made of some times (stained glass, velvet, barbed-wire, patchwork quilts, faded pieces of the sunday comics page, seaweed, arsenic, wine, ex-lovers kisses, bonfire ashes.....}
but if i could design it......i'm not sure.
maybe feathers & lace.

crossed wires.

"where do you feel it? if you can take the focus off the pain in your arm" he says, his fingers pinching the flesh of my left arm. i close my eyes & try to clear my thoughts of my arm. "across my brow, i feel it in my head."
his turn. he doesn't feel any pain in his arm, but his eyes start watering & he points to the place in his head where he feels it. his body reacts but he doesn't feel pain.
"do you think when you desensitize yourself to pain you do so with pleasure as well? if you don't really feel this as painfully as you could..." i pinch his arm hard. "...does this not feel as good as it could?" i run my hands softly down his face & arm.
he says, "in my case, yeah......why do you look sad?"
i look sad because i continue to struggle with finding balance between being so sensitive & being numb.
because as i lay with my head on his stomach i'm aware how few people get this close, & how closed off he still is.
because he's fine with this reality, he wants to desensitize his feelings & live more in his head. & i have to fight the urge to find a way to crack that shell, to see his life leak out of those beautiful eyes.
because it's not up to me to decide what's best for him.
because i know my skin is bruising & he is unscathed.

serious island fever. & yet i love this little claustrophobic island so much....

 

cool hawaii day!

"cool hawaii day" was what bri called last saturday morning as we drove past someone hanging a recently slaughtered cow in their front yard (it was an extraordinary site), the goats hanging out on top of the cars & some families riding horse back. "it's like cool hawaii day" he'd said. one of those days you can completely forget you're in the u.s. at all.

which triggers this whole need to travel somewhere i've never been. i've been researching tickets to thailand & japan & kauai & maui & germany & EVERYWHERE. i don't want to leave puna, the home & family i have here. i love the island, i love this community. but i'm restless & ready to see something else. & i figure i have to balance out my massachusetts trips with somewhere exciting & full of adventure!! i'm ready for a change of scenery.

so i'm trying to save my pennies! trying to figure my shit out.....tomorrow i'll dance & swim & visit with porter & prepare to go to kona on monday till wednesday or so...get out of puna for a bit....i have island fever for sure. i miss the city right now, the anonymousness of it. the ever changing current of events & people & smells & tastes. tonight is definitely a night i would walk over to the charles & spend hours on the swings. or walk to cambridge & back.



last night was the annual "aries party", hosted on the land where i used to live, i n the jungles of kapoho. it was a lot of fun all the way through, till i was exhausted & sore (my body can still only handle so much) at 3am!! today was spent resting & catching up with austin & amanda before they head off to l.a. in a few days....

right now i am continung my procrastination on cleaning my loft. i should take pictures of the loft in which i dwell & post them.....once it's finally clean!!

SO many changes.

well unexpectedly i go back to work tomorrow. almost a week early. though i have to admit, i'm excited in many ways. i miss working with the kids, working on the farm. i'm still limited in what i can do though, the dr. says i can't lift anything or exert my right shoulder/neck etc over 30 lbs.

i'm having one of those "one of these things does not belong here..." moments.......a great deal of my friends feel like i get screwed by my job. my take on it is this: at the end of the day i have a job that i, for the most part, love; with people that i, for the most part, love; with kids that i, whole heartedly, love; in an economy that is the worst it's been in my lifetime; on an island with an economy that always sucks. i get paid decent given the context. i live in paradise. & for the most part i feel appreciated. i had a moment today where i wondered if i was really just amazingly naive or just ridiculously compassionate & empathetic. i was thinking it was a little bit of both. i don't think i'm naive though. i see beauty & good in most everyone & i'm willing to give allowances considering that. i understand human error. if i don't like my job, i can leave. which is not to say i don't tell them when i disagree with things. i just pick my battles. & i do so lovingly, or i try to.

i'm not really a fighter. my days of power struggle & rebellion are over. i just want to spread magic & warmth anywhere i can. i don't always do that, but i try to. i feel like it's my lot in life to be a positive force in places of struggle & hard times. some times i leave, when it stops feeling good.

but tonight i sat in the hot tub watching & listening to the rain fall after an amazing & magical chiropractic appointment. i've been doing "wall-angels" which is like a "snow-angel" only standing against a wall. amusing for sure!! right now i'm exhausted & the house is quiet, i'm going to stretch out & sleep as that tomorrow i'll be sleeping out in the field for the first time since the accident. this shift is a blessing in a lot of ways, though unfortunately i won't be able to spend any more time with cecily & i'll miss jackie & zoe's sets at edance on sunday!

the best i can do

do you hear that?? it's the sound of an empty house!! i haven't heard that in.....well, over a month for sure. with it so quiet, all i can think to do is nap. i have reached a level of exhaustion that is intense. not physically, just all out drained. i am unfortunately & fortunately bailing on the kona trip at the end of the week. as much as i want to get out of puna for a little bit, i also need some relax time as well!! i took off these 5 weeks to do just that & due to external circumstances it just hasn't been the case!

my injury induced insomnia has resulted in obscene photo-nerdiness on flickr. thanks to the great graces of mr. mmmmikey tokarz extraordinaire i have a new (to me) camera. i just need to get a memory card & i'm all set!!!

i am bogged down by the thoughts of going back to the east coast for these weddings this summer. i'm not sure how i'm going to pull it off & if i can afford to be gone from hawaii/work for so long.....i guess this summer may be a lesson in how little i can live on. sounds exciting yeah? i will also miss the island & my family here if i don't come back for 3 months. but then i could have an amazing mainland adventure!! i've thought semi-seriously about going to georgia for the month of august, hang out with jen, see something of georgia that isn't an army base....

ok i tried to make this update compelling & witty & i think i failed. but there it is.

experiments with blood & photo editing tools....

pilgrimage to the coast

today my inner boxer is in fighting stance
there's an army in my shoulder blades
a nameless ghost in my gut
i have a handful of feathers
& an endless stream of tears

i walk the jungle in the final hours of morning
i feel the earth on my feet
& the wind whispers ancient stories
i am under her spell
as they are under mine

i surrender to the ocean
but never humans
not even myself

we speak to each other in riddles
after the sun is asleep
we exchange madness like children who've eaten too much candy
or gotten too little sleep
we search for meaning in unanswerable questions

lazy day

this blog is dedicated to my teddy bear, jason lentz!

it was mostly a lazy day, i think the most "activity" i did today was pick up oliver at work & took us to get breakfast at the natch (the local natural foods store "island naturals") i picked up me & rachel some soft flakey croissants & bought some tea. the rest of the day was filled with napping, npr, photo editing, counseling (me counseling) & giving a reiki treatment....but more on that in a bit

last night i attended my friends johnny & tara's anniversary party. well it was also johnny's birthday yesterday. today is their actual anniversary. anywho, this island seems to destroy relationships often, as far as i can tell. very few couples i've seen here have made it look "good". in short, tara & johnny make it look good. & i have come to love them lots & feel blessed to be able to celebrate their second year of marriage together with them!!! according to them it was more a party for us, their friends, who support them through their marriage!
here are some shots from the party:
(yes, i may have done an irish car-bomb for the first time in my life)


the reiki treatment i gave tonight was intense. at one point i remember looking down at my hands & at once knowing that they were my hands & having that familiarity & simotaneously seeing that they were also foreign objects. like flowers. strange. beautiful.
i gave my first full treatment on our massage table in the "waterfall" room. i'm always amazed at how powerful human touch is. i guess that's all i can really say about it right now....


my friend jason lentz told me the cutest story tonight, which is how he became my teddy bear. actually i guess he's always been my teddy bear, i just didn't realize it until i heard the story!

it goes like this: This professor had an open door policy with one condition

Anyone could come and ask him a question at any time when he was in his office, but first they had to ask the question to the teddy bear which sat outside his office

he had this rule because he found that 9 times out of 10 the student would figure out the answer to their question simply by asking it aloud.

so the teddy bear took all of those questions

and if the teddy bear failed to answer it for the student, then they could ask the prof.

is that not the cutest thing EVER??!!! :D i love it!!! i also played teddy bear today!!

pop goes the faerie

my home is full of laughing fits & snuggling. it's a sunny day in puna & i am full of mate & love. not necessarily in that order! sleep, unfortunately, isn't coming any easier these days...but i have another massage with hope this evening. usually the nights after her bodywork are the best.

i think mate is maybe the best form of caffeine i have ever had. well, it doesn't replace chai, but it comes close. mate chai however IS the best caffeine i have ever had. maybe i just love drinking mate so much because my dear friend heron has imparted his mate magic on me! yes, that's right folks......along with the magical gord & straw i have the heron mate potion recipe! under his tutelage i now can make the mayan chocolate mate!!!! MMMM. & every time i drink it i smile thinking of heron.

despite it being a beautiful sunday morning, i'm not feeling particularly social. edance has already begun & i am still sitting on my bed contemplating my next move. which may not be a dance move....i guess i figure when cecily comes for her excursion there will be lots of puna sundaying going down! right now i'm trying to decide how much human interaction i really desire!!!

yesterday i went to look at a farm that rachel may move onto. it was phenomenal! there were horses & bunnies & chickens & ducks & dogs & cats & fish!!!! we spent a few hours there, which again robbed me of my midday nap, but it was worth it! i myself am trying my hardest to budget wisely as i am not working for a number of weeks.
my work situation becomes more & more interesting! i love it, love the kids, love the farm. & it looks like i have a lot of flexibility with my schedule as to avoid burnout!!

ok looks like i'm gonna give being social a try! more later!

almost a tourist

what a wonderful little mini-vacation to kona. that spikey tree silouhetted against that beautiful blue sky is called keawe (pronounced: key-av-A) & as far as i can tell what most medeival torture devices were modeled after. if you've ever stepped on one, you know what i mean. if you haven't, don't rush out & do it, just take my word for it! it was great to get out of puna, get out of clouds & the rain, even if we were just returning again the next day!!! we stayed in this ADORABLE little a-frame cabin at hapuna beach state park & had the BEST view of the sun setting over the ocean from our cabin!! it was warm & sunny & we got to soak in the sun for a little bit before heading over to hawi for kava & sushi. when we came back to our little cabin we stayed up giggling & exchanging secrets like teenagers having a slumber party!!! i think it was a good little escape for both of us!

people are funny, delicate, complicated creatures huh? i myself often feel too sensitive to interact with the rest of the world. i am reminded how unpredictable & unexplainable the rest of the race is as well. that i hurt in relation to others seeming insensitivity & oblivion & also have the power to hurt or disappoint others by not living up to their desires.

it's quarter to 8pm here & it feels like midnight to me! i didn't get a good nap in today & i have come to rely on midday naps to replenish me with actual rest. since the accident i haven't slept through a whole night, my body hurts more & muscles in my neck spaz out more at night apparently, thus making it really difficult to get comfortable & sleep. i have another appointment on the 25th at the clinic & a massage scheduled with hope the wonderful on sunday for a massage!

more to come!!

curiouser & curiouser

 "how do you know i'm mad?" said alice. "you must be," said the cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."-alice & wonderland.

& so there it is.  that sort of sums it up.  it hasn't stopped raining/being cloudy in about 5 days.  the sound of the rain pounding down has become background noise to the point that when it does stop (which typically hasn't been for more than a moment) its absence is bizarre.  

i've been feeling restless.....need for adventure & excitement & stimulation seems to be at odds with my new found domesticity!!!  i don't want to have to give up excitement & adventure for comfort & familiarity.  & i realize i don't have to, i just have to find that balance where i'm honoring both those desires.  so i think rachel & i are going to go for a couple of days over to kona-side.  hobnob with the tourists, get out of the rain, go play on a beach that isn't filled with everyone we know.  i love my family, i love my community, but i long to get lost among a crowd of faces i've never seen.  it would be foolish to pretend my restless nature doesn't exist, to just ignore or try to repress it.  i was basically chomping at the bit to go to the movies with a few of my coworkers last night, just for something different.  then when i came home & oliver & i lid into familiarity & comfort it didn't make me want to smother him with the blankets he hogged on my bed!!!  "the rabbit started violently, dropped the white kid-glvoes & the fan, & scurried away into the darkness as hard as he could go." (i feel like that often & yet i'm not giving into that urge completely!!) 

a very close friend of mine has "rat lung worm disease"  which is like spinal meningitis.  it was at once inspiring & frightening!!!  she's had it really bad & is getting A LOT better all the time with some pretty radical treatments.  she was fairly incoherent for a while with little understanding of herself or her surroundings etc.  basically reverted back to being a small child.  she's btter now which is SO inspiring, but it's one of those "realize your own mortality" moments.  (like i needed another!!), as that there are people in comas from this same disease that may not make it out.  all this from stepping on a slug.  or eating some kale fresh from your garden.  see the slugs carry it, not the rats.  it's a strange name, i know.  

life is good.  i am grateful!  

we also have rachel's cat, edison, staying with us on the art farm :)   the 3 rottweilers are less than THRILLED about that currently, but i think it's gonna be alright!  i personally am loving having some feline energy around here!!  

domesticated caffeine fiend

 

i'm starting to settle in.  into my body, into life.  i'm less sore, still pretty stiff & super day dreamy.  it's been really rainy & i'm using the excuse to not get out of my pajamas, wrap myself in blankets, drink lots of warm beverages (like the chai in the picture above, which is officially part of my "chai love for tiffany" series) & doing strangely domestic things, like cooking breakfast, cleaning, & baking cookies.  strange indeed!!  i'm also balancing between being really productive (backing up some files on my external hard drive!!) & being creative (doing little artsy things, like editing photos & collaging) 

i'm oddly optimistic about this time off, i think it will do wonders for my soul (though probably terrible things to my wallet....)

tiffany & i had a conversation about dealing with people on a human level.  the importance of the balance between feeling your own awesomeness & self worth & also humbling yourself with all your quirks & idiosyncrasies & know that we're ALL humans just kinda stumbling our way through life.  because none of us were given the manual: how not to fuck things up really bad while interacting with other humans.....(by the way don't even THINK about stealing that title, tiffany & i are figuring out now how to write said manual!!!) 

anywho it's a hard balance.....i've been thinking about this concerning my job.  everyone was all up in a tizzy about me getting paid for my time off since it was a work related injury.  & yeah, i mean, who wants me to get paid for that more than ME?  but then everyone was saying "you could SUE them!!!!" & let's face it, that's not a realistic threat coming from me!!!  i'm not suing anyone.  i did stick up for myself & told them they needed to give me money for that shift....but what it comes down to is we're all humans just trying to figure out the least difficult way for us to get through a difficult situation.  & it all worked out.  i suppose it helps that all the people involved are relatively reasonable people.  

i'm off to continue on my weird creatively productive day!

a spider's realm

wow well, i'm alive. & this picture is sort of how i feel today. i'm not sure what i'm going for in this first post. i've been hiding for most of the day. i find myself with a lot of time on my hands, time to heal & take pictures, time to catch up on some npr news & finger paint. oh & the new joys of video chatting with friends on the east coast (& west coast for that matter, though i didn't video chat with anyone on the west coast today)

i seem to have misplaced my instruction manual entitled: what to do after you are involved in an accident where a van full of teenagers whose well-being you're responsible for flips. & the aftermath of a mild concusion & whiplash.

i bet it's in one of those bins i have yet to unpack since moving in the loft!!

i'm not complaining. i'm breathing through it all with more gratitude than i can even express. what a strange existence this is.

i've been feeling a bit in-between & restless. i'm going to try to transfer some of that energy into something creative!!! more to come i'm sure!