"where do you feel it? if you can take the focus off the pain in your arm" he says, his fingers pinching the flesh of my left arm. i close my eyes & try to clear my thoughts of my arm. "across my brow, i feel it in my head."
his turn. he doesn't feel any pain in his arm, but his eyes start watering & he points to the place in his head where he feels it. his body reacts but he doesn't feel pain.
"do you think when you desensitize yourself to pain you do so with pleasure as well? if you don't really feel this as painfully as you could..." i pinch his arm hard. "...does this not feel as good as it could?" i run my hands softly down his face & arm.
he says, "in my case, yeah......why do you look sad?"
i look sad because i continue to struggle with finding balance between being so sensitive & being numb.
because as i lay with my head on his stomach i'm aware how few people get this close, & how closed off he still is.
because he's fine with this reality, he wants to desensitize his feelings & live more in his head. & i have to fight the urge to find a way to crack that shell, to see his life leak out of those beautiful eyes.
because it's not up to me to decide what's best for him.
because i know my skin is bruising & he is unscathed.
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