...

desire.
today i desire: chocolate, my journal, children's stories, romance, laughter, moss beneath my feet, activity, art, inspiration, sincerity, intimacy, comfort, to be held.....

10 things that prove that things are beautiful in my world:

1. random phone calls from good old friends
2. collaging
3. sparkles
4. music
5. writing all my thoughts down in my journal
6. women's writing circle planning
7. orchids
8. zoe & oliver
9. dramatic words like: AMAZING. INTENSE. INCREDIBLE. PHENOMENAL.
10. remembering to breathe & be grateful.

crushed velvet

if i could make my heart out of any material, what would it be? (& this is why i love him....)
it got me thinking......
hmmmm
all these thoughts ran through my head of what my heart HOLDS
{rose petals, moss, children's laughter, shattered mirrors, post cards, lullabies, hot chocolate & raspberries...}
or what i FEEL my heart is made of some times (stained glass, velvet, barbed-wire, patchwork quilts, faded pieces of the sunday comics page, seaweed, arsenic, wine, ex-lovers kisses, bonfire ashes.....}
but if i could design it......i'm not sure.
maybe feathers & lace.

crossed wires.

"where do you feel it? if you can take the focus off the pain in your arm" he says, his fingers pinching the flesh of my left arm. i close my eyes & try to clear my thoughts of my arm. "across my brow, i feel it in my head."
his turn. he doesn't feel any pain in his arm, but his eyes start watering & he points to the place in his head where he feels it. his body reacts but he doesn't feel pain.
"do you think when you desensitize yourself to pain you do so with pleasure as well? if you don't really feel this as painfully as you could..." i pinch his arm hard. "...does this not feel as good as it could?" i run my hands softly down his face & arm.
he says, "in my case, yeah......why do you look sad?"
i look sad because i continue to struggle with finding balance between being so sensitive & being numb.
because as i lay with my head on his stomach i'm aware how few people get this close, & how closed off he still is.
because he's fine with this reality, he wants to desensitize his feelings & live more in his head. & i have to fight the urge to find a way to crack that shell, to see his life leak out of those beautiful eyes.
because it's not up to me to decide what's best for him.
because i know my skin is bruising & he is unscathed.

serious island fever. & yet i love this little claustrophobic island so much....

 

cool hawaii day!

"cool hawaii day" was what bri called last saturday morning as we drove past someone hanging a recently slaughtered cow in their front yard (it was an extraordinary site), the goats hanging out on top of the cars & some families riding horse back. "it's like cool hawaii day" he'd said. one of those days you can completely forget you're in the u.s. at all.

which triggers this whole need to travel somewhere i've never been. i've been researching tickets to thailand & japan & kauai & maui & germany & EVERYWHERE. i don't want to leave puna, the home & family i have here. i love the island, i love this community. but i'm restless & ready to see something else. & i figure i have to balance out my massachusetts trips with somewhere exciting & full of adventure!! i'm ready for a change of scenery.

so i'm trying to save my pennies! trying to figure my shit out.....tomorrow i'll dance & swim & visit with porter & prepare to go to kona on monday till wednesday or so...get out of puna for a bit....i have island fever for sure. i miss the city right now, the anonymousness of it. the ever changing current of events & people & smells & tastes. tonight is definitely a night i would walk over to the charles & spend hours on the swings. or walk to cambridge & back.



last night was the annual "aries party", hosted on the land where i used to live, i n the jungles of kapoho. it was a lot of fun all the way through, till i was exhausted & sore (my body can still only handle so much) at 3am!! today was spent resting & catching up with austin & amanda before they head off to l.a. in a few days....

right now i am continung my procrastination on cleaning my loft. i should take pictures of the loft in which i dwell & post them.....once it's finally clean!!

SO many changes.

well unexpectedly i go back to work tomorrow. almost a week early. though i have to admit, i'm excited in many ways. i miss working with the kids, working on the farm. i'm still limited in what i can do though, the dr. says i can't lift anything or exert my right shoulder/neck etc over 30 lbs.

i'm having one of those "one of these things does not belong here..." moments.......a great deal of my friends feel like i get screwed by my job. my take on it is this: at the end of the day i have a job that i, for the most part, love; with people that i, for the most part, love; with kids that i, whole heartedly, love; in an economy that is the worst it's been in my lifetime; on an island with an economy that always sucks. i get paid decent given the context. i live in paradise. & for the most part i feel appreciated. i had a moment today where i wondered if i was really just amazingly naive or just ridiculously compassionate & empathetic. i was thinking it was a little bit of both. i don't think i'm naive though. i see beauty & good in most everyone & i'm willing to give allowances considering that. i understand human error. if i don't like my job, i can leave. which is not to say i don't tell them when i disagree with things. i just pick my battles. & i do so lovingly, or i try to.

i'm not really a fighter. my days of power struggle & rebellion are over. i just want to spread magic & warmth anywhere i can. i don't always do that, but i try to. i feel like it's my lot in life to be a positive force in places of struggle & hard times. some times i leave, when it stops feeling good.

but tonight i sat in the hot tub watching & listening to the rain fall after an amazing & magical chiropractic appointment. i've been doing "wall-angels" which is like a "snow-angel" only standing against a wall. amusing for sure!! right now i'm exhausted & the house is quiet, i'm going to stretch out & sleep as that tomorrow i'll be sleeping out in the field for the first time since the accident. this shift is a blessing in a lot of ways, though unfortunately i won't be able to spend any more time with cecily & i'll miss jackie & zoe's sets at edance on sunday!

the best i can do

do you hear that?? it's the sound of an empty house!! i haven't heard that in.....well, over a month for sure. with it so quiet, all i can think to do is nap. i have reached a level of exhaustion that is intense. not physically, just all out drained. i am unfortunately & fortunately bailing on the kona trip at the end of the week. as much as i want to get out of puna for a little bit, i also need some relax time as well!! i took off these 5 weeks to do just that & due to external circumstances it just hasn't been the case!

my injury induced insomnia has resulted in obscene photo-nerdiness on flickr. thanks to the great graces of mr. mmmmikey tokarz extraordinaire i have a new (to me) camera. i just need to get a memory card & i'm all set!!!

i am bogged down by the thoughts of going back to the east coast for these weddings this summer. i'm not sure how i'm going to pull it off & if i can afford to be gone from hawaii/work for so long.....i guess this summer may be a lesson in how little i can live on. sounds exciting yeah? i will also miss the island & my family here if i don't come back for 3 months. but then i could have an amazing mainland adventure!! i've thought semi-seriously about going to georgia for the month of august, hang out with jen, see something of georgia that isn't an army base....

ok i tried to make this update compelling & witty & i think i failed. but there it is.